Facething: Villainy in Disguise

The Facething upsets me. (See Facebook if you just can’t get the connection.)

On occasion I’ll have friends that post tons of sappy love quotes when they’re especially drunk and emo. This same friend had previously started bugging one of our mutual friends for tickets to see Eclipse. (Mutual Friend works at the movie theatres in our town, so who hasn’t been bugging her for those tickets?) What does she do all day besides obsess about Eclipse? Hang out on Facething, obviously. Currently this friend is posting sappy love quotes from Moulin Rouge and misspelled “fools” as “fouls”. Good job, friend. Good job. Ruin my favourite movie with your illiteracy.

See the joy that Facething brings?

 ^This is me being confused about this supposed 'joy'

Last night I disabled Farmville, Mafia Wars, Cafe World, and Treasure Isle from posting annoying updates in my News Feed. (WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT MEAN?! I KNOW THE WORDS, BUT NOT THE MEANING. UGH.) Anyways. Now that all these annoying Facething applications are gone from my life, I can breathe easy. I feel my back straightening, am able to lift my head up high once more, proud to be alive. Shoulders back, chest forward, spine straight. I’ll walk tall now, knowing that these applications will no longer burden my life.

I’m so happy.

*crickets and an awkward shuffle*

Facething presents more complications in my life than I’m comfortable putting up with. First there are all the implications of the applications. They always scare me. Then there are the friends who go through and click that pesky LIKE button on damned near everything that strikes their fancy.
_______ LIKES WEARING PANTS.

_______ LIKES BREATHING AND NOT DYING. YOU KNOW, LIVING.

_______ LIKES SPARKLY VAMPIRES AND DRINKING WATER. MAYBE SPARKLY VAMPIRES DRINKING WATER. LOLOLOLOL

And then my News Feed page will be assaulted by the one friend that went and clicked LIKE on 20 different things. And each one of those things shows up. Each. One.

Wading through Facething is an exercise in itself. Burning net calories by the second! Keep scrolling, maybe we’ll lose some cookies from the cache! (I obviously know this is faulty logic. Stfu. )

When it comes to posting statuses on Facething, I tend to overthink/overcomplicate things. With a desire to remain clever in my musings, I can’t post ‘stupid’ statuses. I want to exude confidence and cleverness. I want people to think, “Oh, that Platyroo...I’m so floored by her poetic and moving Facething status...*sob* “

I also have important people from college watching me, like professors and Student Leadership and Engagement. Possibly my Honor’s Society. I’m being forced to step up to the plate, here. I can’t screw up. NO PRESSURE.

But if the status I’m planning on posting doesn’t fit that framework, I don’t post it.

Along the lines of that same framework, I refuse to post a Facething status along the lines of: OMG I LOVE LIKE, FACETHING. AND I LOVE BREATHING. ITZ SO GR8, OMG. I WENT TO WORK TODAY, STRIP TEASED MAH BOSS, MISSPELLED FOOLS. YAH, IM SO GR8. TWEET ME, BITCHES.

No.
Just no.

I have my pride. I have my dignity. The day I post something like that –angry gesturing at above faux status- is the day that you have my explicit permission to run me over.

So screw you, Facething. I shan’t spend hours perusing your depths. I refuse to give you my life, OR my clever statuses. I WILL CONTINUE TO SPEND LESS THAN AN HOUR A DAY CHILLIN’ WIT YOU.

Suck it, Facething. I’m cooler than you.