Of Hallmark, Lifetime, and Paula Deen

I haven't posted in over a month, so I shall announce my re-entry into the blog-space with a post about the Hallmark Channel and Paula Deen (and maybe some Lifetime Channel ).

These three things are the bane of my existence.
Seriously.

They're terrifying, they're horrific, and a huge part of my life (except Paula Deen. She just annoys the fuck out of me).

Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel are the only two channels, besides the news, that are on our TV in my house. My mother is addicted.

And if it's not Lifetime/Hallmark, it's WE TV or Oh! Oxygen! Or I-ON. Ugh.

Seriously? It's like an orgasm or something. 

So. My mother is a bona fide addict.
And right now?

It's the Christmas season.




RUN. RUN, BITCHES, RUN. THESE NETWORKS ARE IN FULL FUCKING FORCE.


The movies that are currently in the line-up for Hallmark: "Silver Bells" , "When Angels Come to Town" , "Moonlight and Mistletoe" and then The Martha Stewart Show.

As I was perusing our Dish catalog for those movies, my mother sees "When Angels Come to Town" and screeches: "GO BACK! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT 'WHEN ANGELS COME TO TOWN' MOVIE IS ALL ABOUT!" -snatches the remote-


Terrifying.


She is terrifying.

But what's more terrifying is that within the United States, there are millions of housewives and single women sitting on their couches, curled up with a carton of Ben & Jerry's or any other ice cream substitute, or maybe a martini (if they're classy housewives) hanging onto every message that these movies convey.

These movies talk about 'fairy tales'. The girl always meets the guy, and her child either breaks an arm, or they have some kind of issue that serves as the movie's climactic ending before the man comes and sweeps her off her feet and they shag each other in the back of a van, or they get married while the snow falls and soft music plays.

Lifetime shakes it up a bit. Their movies are about murder, intrigue, and mistresses. But don't be fooled. Lifetime has it's own holiday pitch...

Oh yes.

For years now, Lifetime has had "Falalala Lifetime", featuring any number of Christmas themed movies sure to wrench your heart and bring tears to your eyes.
Usually it's hosted by some bright eyed blonde and her gay cohort and they prance around filming commercials and ads for the Lifetime holiday festivities. Sometimes they have sleds.



My point is, these networks prey on troubled women looking for stories of flight and fancy where it always works out.

But it doesn't. 






Next: Paula Deen


This is mostly just a side note, but Paula Deen terrifies me. And you know why?

HER SOULLESS EYES. AND BUTTER. 

That is all.