Who Pissed In My Cornflakes?!

Today my mother asked me “Who pissed in your cornflakes today?” Following this , she gave me a face that resembled this:  >: |   It wasn’t very nice.

The truth is, she pisses in my cornflakes every day. It’s just not that often when I actually express how upset I am that my cornflakes are repeatedly being pee’ed on.

Today is one of those days where the repeated pissing on my breakfast cereal has finally made me snap. Most days I can take it. I just toss the cereal, bleach the bowl, and get another helping of a different cereal and go about my business. But not today. Today is a day when I can’t stand her. I CAN’T STAND HER FACE. UGH.

Anything she says or asks is met with a D:< face on my part. She could be saying that we won a million dollars. I would still look like this:  D:<

This isn’t to say that I’m being completely unfair, peeps. My mother is insane. Several professionals/my co-workers/her co-workers or anyone who has had prolonged contact with my mother will tell you this.

My anecdotes are enough to keep my college friends from ever visiting my house on break. She is THAT crazy.

So my anger at the piss/cornflakes issue is not unwarranted.

We were getting milkshakes for her gimpy boyfriend at Sonic. I was driving (because she’s lazy) and I had pulled up to the order thingy, grumbling. I hate confrontation (as seen here), and even ordering milkshakes is traumatic for me. I ask her what she wants, and she says, “Gimpy wants banana, and I want chocolate.”
Me: D:<
Her: .....-hands the money- YOU’RE SO PISSY. WHY’D YOU COME TODAY?! YOU ACTED LIKE YOU WANTED TO!
Me: -orders the shakes then looks at her- YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE YOU REALLY NEEDED ME. I LEFT MY PHONE BEHIND FOR YOU. OMFG, WOMAN!! DDD:<<<

After she gets her shakes and sees me eyeing them she makes a big point of saying: YOU COULD’VE ORDERED ONE FOR YOU, TOO!

Me: ....BITCH. WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?! YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE I COULDN’T!!!!!11!!! D:<

This is due to the fact that my mother makes me you feel as though you’re not entitled to eat anything. Or ask for anything. THAT EATING MY CORNFLAKES WITHOUT PISS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. GAWD.

Digression: I’m afraid to eat anything in my house. It’s been like that for years. I told my grandmother that and she was horrified.

Usually I ask if I can eat things with a sort of reverence, with my head bowed and tone quiet.

Me: Mom...can I have some yogurt? (She’s protective of that shit.)
Her: Well, duh! You don’t have to ask! Geez, what’s wrong with you?
*My inner monologue*: What’s wrong with ME?! YOU’VE FLIPPED SHIT IN THE PAST!! I’M JUST COVERING MY ASS HERE.*
Me: Oh, okay.

It’s this way with everything. If there’s soda in the fridge (which is a rare occurrence) I’ll ask if I can have a glass. She flips out one time, saying it’s Gimpy’s and I can’t have any. Other times she’s like: SURE! POUR ME A GLASS TOO!!! :DDDD

D:<

I just don’t get her.

So today I am pissy. Because there is pee in my cornflakes. EVERY. EFFING. DAY.

You’d be pissy too.